I'm currently on the last legs of writing a new book, titled. 'There's no way I'm one of them', its a mini biography, but wont be completed for about two months, where I will be selling it on amazon and as a hard copy. I feel like I've been sleepwalking over the past few months, trying to keep my head above water and failing miserably, but I'm now due to start a job and undertaking a part time masters course in Criminal Psychology, so interesting.
My eldest son has been diagnosed with Aspergers and has come on in leaps and bounds since then, working hard for his Physics degree, and going on a sponsored walk in Peru next year. My next daughter Abbie has got herself interviews for Social work degree for next year and has just come back from an incredible time in Tanzania.
Remember that if today your feeling rubbish, you probably will feel good tomorrow, take time to address those anxious feeling and work out why you're feeling like you are and make a plan. All good things come out of planning and plans

At the bottom of the pile at the moment. I havent had a conversation wih pratically any body who isnt my family in the pastnfew months. I needed a kindnword and some kind faces todaynso stoped in at a coffee and cake morningbat a church near us. they were all old, but were really interested in me and it was nice to actually talk to people.I have a doctors appointment coming up and maybe get some answers. just been called evil by my 'loving' husband thre times this week, it doesnt make someone feel goodmtomhear that and its playing on my mind. so sad at mo.

Feeling slightly mote positive, life is pretty tough at ghmoment but im going to focus on all the positives n my life and  make better decisions. Going to sepnd time woth my bambinos duting the holidays and make the most of them being young before they fly the nsest.

Not the best week ever, feelign lonely, sad and isolated. I wish people would accept me for who i am, regardless of what i look like, how much money i have, but the world doesnt work like that does it, its harsh, cruel and judgemental. This lonelieness will never go away, guess i a just have to learn to live with it.

Okay I have one son who now is an official backpacker in Europe, one niece backpacking on the gold coast in australia and i have to admit I am downright jel. Okay so i did a bit of chamber maiding in germany when i was 20, but what happened? Did i just wake up one morning  married at 23 with four chavvies subsequently coming along, did this happen by accident. No is the answer, I amde my choices and uktimatley I wanted to have a family from the age of 20, i wanted babies and family life and there are no regrets on this point. But....... I didnt prepare  financially, it can only be described as going on holiday without any money, the children are the ultimate amazing experience, but i want to spoil them, splash out, take them travelling, instead I have gone grey with worry about about paying bills, heating the house, making aure te fridge is full with healthy foods, i know and i do knwo that money means nothing, int he great scheme of things and i am  in no way materialistic, but it would have been secure, and made me slightly happier to have enjoyed their childhoods more, instead of constant worry. Heres to things looking up financially, 

At what point do we say enough is enough when our children dont respect us. Do we have the right to respect from our kids or do we have to earn it? We feen them, clothe then love them, drive them places, pit up with their whining, give them money, listen to them, advise them, talk to them, encourage them, stick up for them, and many other things, but what if its not enough? What if what ever we do they just dont give anything, eben a decent conversation. Feeling very sad at the moment, and cant see it getting any better. All i would like is some respect, some kindness and a positive relation ship with my grown up kids, instead of criticism. Going to work tonight sad and very empty.

Had a good vew weeks at work and have lost a stone thorugh sheer physical work. Its ha going but i feel better mentally and physically, which is amazing, because when i wasnt in work, i felt depressed, lethargic and goalless. Also been feeling invisible and unimportant the last few weeks and have been battling insecurity and my own feeling sof low self esteem, it is  a daily battle and feelings of inferiority cloud my whole life. Why doea this happen and will i ever nto have to worry about who i am and feelings of self worth. I know where theyve come from, but dealing with barrages of put downs and lack of respect towards myself is not nice. Anyway onwards and upwards, have had some ncie things happen over the past few days and so feeling happier about that. Hopefully some words of encouragement and happier words in my next post. Keep on beleiveing in yourself  you matter and so do i

Im not really one for having really close pals and doing everything together. There is too  much going on in my brain or room for this in my life. With family issues, family other freinds to see, work, and everythign else, I just cant see how I can fit this in emotionally or practically, maybe one day this might change, but ive also had my fair share of fairweather freinds, those when things are great for a while, then they lose interest, and then wondering whether they were true freinds in the first place. The best freinds i have are those who I dont see for a while, but its all stull okay and we can cathc up from where we left off. A lot of people need more than this in their lives, including my kids, freinds are wverything to them, but Iive lways been a bit of a loner, thats just the way I am, but thats not to say I need closeness, but just with people when its  not hard work or i have to worry about offending them or just being able to be myself without judgement, thats yrue freindship.

Okay great ive got a stress fracture in my foot, and ive got a long night shift ahead of me, so two supports on, two paracetamol, some deep heat, yhos has got to work, am not going to go sick. I must admit that im geown a little bot more robust over the last few weeks, but also acquired a back ache, bruises all down my arms, scrapes down the back of my shins, a stress fracture that requires complete rest. Oh well the show mucy go on.

Just checking in, been working hard ghe last week and have hd no time to do any writing, im becoming mote robust at doing nights, im fine as long as im not too tired. Anyway i can see a great future in employment and has given me the confidence to acheive big things. There is four main reasons fo rm doing such physical work, they are called jacob, abbie, maddie and theo. 

Ive never felt so alive, yet so tired. Yes having completed a week of nights, and struggled to sleep in the day, but when I dont have to work the next night, i sleep like a log. Ive read an in credible article from MINd this week about learning to accept yourself, its taken years for me to get to the point when I can say Im okay. Accept yourself, its easier said then done, but really its the core of living life fo the full, accept your faults, we all have them, be nice to yourself, be nice to others, it really is the hub of living. It starts with your own beliefs in youreslf, forget what other people think of you, it doesnt matter, you matter, so live life as though you do.

Feeling rather shattered at the moment, but having just entered the paid workforce after a good many years, it also feels great. Not working made me feel that we were not moving anywhere, remaining stagnant while everybody else was moving forward with their jobs. So no matter how tired I feel right now, its because im doing somehting productive and ultimatley providing for my children. If anyone is in  a position now where things feel mundane, everything is the same, things will improve, things change all the time, just keep on going and focus on the reasons that you do things.

Its been raining all week and am beginning to wonder whetehr summer is going to pass us by with the odd ray of sunshine and before we know it it will be september. Anyway, life is a bit like that sometimes, it can feel that its raining most of the time, with the odd piece of sunshine, and thats how it has felt for me for many years, without going down that road of whining about my life, having very little money to do things over the years with the children has felt like going on holiday  without any money. Of course we have exhausted the long walks, the picnics, the local parks, the free museums, the paddling pools, anything that doesnt really cost much, but at the end of the day it would be lovley to do somethingelse to have a constant flow of choices. And ultimately the children will not remember the money spent on them, but how much time and attention we lavished on them, I know this, I really do, but I want to take them to far away places, let them see the other side of life, but thats how I feel, they are probably perfectly happy. Things will e different now though, Im starting my job today, a seemingly lowly job, but a job,  a chance to provide and feel that I am contributing to the quality of my childrens lives and nothing can beat that, Im pretty sure that Im going to see the sun a lot more.

Katie hopkins is one of those people we all love to hate, she comes out with outragoeus comments about people, she seems to have the thickest skin going and doesnt appear to care who she insults or who insults her. Ive just read an article about her that states that she is arguably the most hated woman in Britain, yet she still doesnt waiver in her views and remains steadfast in her opinions. How and why? If some one said anything horrible to me, I would probably cry, although Im much more resilient these days. In fact Katie hopkins suffers from epilepsy and regards this as a sign of weakness, so never dwells on it and is resolute to her illness, another badge on her resilient jacket. She has to get her dislocated arms put in her sockets on a regular basis, because of her epilepsy. She believes that people should basically get on with it saying 'we all have crap in our lives. get on with it, move on, get your arms put back in.'

Forthright we know, but unfortunatley not everyone is made of the same stuff or have had the same experiences, one horrible thing to soemone, may be a catastrophe to soemone else. She does have a point though, that we all do have some inner strength that we can dip into in times of adversity, sometimes its just making that decision despite how we feel. 

Im starting my job on next week, having not been in paid work for so long, I am very excited.  David Beckham said recently about his son getting  a job in a coffee shop, how they want to instill in their children the work ethic and how its the greatest gift you can give your children. I was really impressed by that and am spured on even more to create  a better life for my kids. I was also impressed by my niece who recently worked all the hours she could to fund herself to travel around Australia, I believe that the more you put into life you more you get out, sometimes you make your own luck.If you want to make something happen, you will find a way, it just requires a bit of resourcefulness and hard work and perhaps yourll find a bit of luck along the way.

I,ve always loved the Beckhams, im not sure why, but i think its because I admite them for the way they have built up their businesses, give generously, are great parents and i think they are kind people. Victoria Beckham once said that she could fit all her and davids freinds into a postbox, interesting for two people who seem to have the world at their feet. Real friends seem to come easier for soem people than others, why is it I wonder  that we seem to measure the value of people by how many friends they have. Victoria also said that ehr best freinds are her husband, her mum and her sister. Well i can pretty much relate to that, how wonderful to have sisters , what a gift. I have a couple of close freinds and whenever I see them we pick up where we left off, even if its been months. If you feel you dont have friends and are feeling particularly lonely, dont worry about it, there is always soemone who cares about you, whether you have good social skills or not, be a friend to yourself, because thats where good freindships start.

There are no words to describe how I feel at the moment, I feel totally great and there is hope for the future. Who knows how I will feel next week, but today feels great. If you are feeling below par today, go with the flow and just enjoy the simple things in life, I take great joy from tending my flowers or having a cup of tea and a biscuit! simple things to make life happy. So treat yourself to one nice thing today and feel confidence in yourself and your abilities.

I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It just goes to show with determination, effort and belief things happen, things change and things get better.xx

Another beautiful warm day today, it makes you feel so good and well when it's warm, the hardest months in the uk are jan and feb,when it's freezing, your skint after christmas  and everything feels yuk. Yesterday I went for a second interview at waitrose, I should hear by the end of the week. I so want the job, that I'm nervous every time the phone rings. Anyway I will keep you all updated. I'm also going to do lots of walking today it's when I really think at my bets and it get all those thoughts out onto the surface, which is really therapeutic. The other day me and theo walked to new hall and back and he said ' promise me mum that we can live in a house like that one day', I said I will promise that I will try my hardest to work as hard as I can to do that! but that's all I can promise. It's particularly hard when you don't have choices about where you can live of what holidays you can go on, but it's important to be content with what you've got and enjoy it, as well as striving for what you want to achieve.  So enjoy what you've got but keep those dreams and aspirations in view.

I've been to my uncles funeral today, it was very poignant, but it was also a chance to remember him in a really lovely way. Loss is something we have all experienced and will probably continue to experience in the future. I think that we should cherish those around us, make every moment count with them, and not waste time. We are all on a journey together and we have been put with our families for a reason, some of us get a second chance with our own little families, so if your parents have been slightly unloving or uncaring, you at least know that your kids love you or your friends. So make the most of today and embrace those moments with your loved ones, they drive us mad sometimes, but that's what it's all about isn't it?

If anyone knows how the hek people can comment on my blog, please let me know , I've tried everything.
Barbannlucy@yahoo.co.uk
Gratefuls.

I've decided that I definetley  need a personal assistant, someone to pay my bills, to worry about them, to advise me when I don't know what to do in a social situation. I need someone to give me advice when I don't know how to deal with problems! someone to fill my car up with petrol, someone to tell me that yes I'm doing okay! someone who can taxi the kids around, someone to take the kids to the dentist and someone who can advise me on the clothes I'm wearing. Wouldn't that all be lovely ? Now back to the real world, I love doing all these things for my kids and I do struggle in social situations, although I've seriously got better, but really we have to try and solve our own issues and that's what makes us better and more understanding people. So keep your chin up, hold your head high and keep plodding on, because you really are doing okay.

Today is a beautiful sunny and hot day, so make the most of it, go for a walk, have a picnic, spend time with your family or friends. Do something you enjoy, even if life is really getting you down at the moment, take joy in the little things and build from there. Make today full of new opportunities and don't let the stresses and hard times dictate the way you live life. Reach out to one person today, say something nice, do something nice, whatever  you want and if that person is you, then do that.

One thing I've realised in life is that when your criticised on a regular basis, it destroys a persons self esteem and how they value themselves.   Why is it then that its far easier to criticise than to praise or say something nice about someone, even if its not to their face. I think its to do with their own insecurities and about how they feel about themselves.  For example, I was reading about how Vanessa Feltz as a child had put on rather a bit of weight and her mother said to her 'youre getting rather podgy'. Although her mother felt that she was trying to help her, actually Vanessa recalled at that point, her self esteem was damaged by the comment and she continued to put on more weight. The hardest thing to do when you want to help someone with something, is to refrain from saying any thing that would in any way make them feel even more inadaquete, The important thing is to accept completely the people you love, with all their faults, because unbelievably this will make them change for the better, when people feel accepted, they grow, they thrive, they feel confident in their abilities. So take the time to praise, not criticize, and that includes to ourselves.

Its amazing how you can feel so rubbish one day, but things happen in a moment and life seems brilliant again. That's why when I'm feeling very bad, I know that just one thing can make a difference, for me it is the prospect of maybe getting some work very soon(keep you updated). I'm also becoming self employed as from Monday, which is very exciting. I thing we are kind of control of lots of things that happen to us, we can choose to bow out or perservere and we all have it in us to do this. If you're in a bad situation, don't despair and know that there are better and lovely things just around the corner.

Had  a some what disappointing day, in that a job I really wanted to get and went for an interview three weeks ago was unsuccessful, reading the rejection email, reminded me when  kept  failing my driving test. It took six times and each time, I thought I was a failure and that this is something I would never be able to do, but I always picked myself up, more determined than ever. Well that is what I've done today, I'm going to keep on going with the job applications, I went for an interview yesterday and got another interview at the end of May. I will get that job, but there will be more disappointments and feelings of failure along the way I'm sure. If you're in a situation where it feels like there is no hope and there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there really is, you've just got to find some inner strength (you do have it)to keep on moving forward and plodding on. You will get there and so will I.x

I think I may have sorted the comments out, if you click on no comments at the bottom of the article, it should come up with a box and click on how you want to comment, it could be anonymous, word press, whatever you want, those comments are very appreciated, so please get commenting, good or bad

http://www.birminghammail.co.uk/lifestyle/health/inspiring-burntwood-teenager-draws-up-1288871
'I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of not cramming as much into my life as I should have done' Stephen Sutton.
This is one particular person who was inspiring, unselfish and somebody young people can look up to as a role model. He also wanted to make the most out of his short life. So often we think that we will put off doing that thing we've always dreamed of doing and end up never doing it. Life on earth is precious and we should be embracing it with both arms even against adversity, none of us are not without problems and its easy to feel like giving up our dreams, because its just too hard. I do believe that with determination, hard work and passion we can fulfil some of our dreams, just have your goals, work towards them and believe in yourself, even if nobody else does, keep going and keep you eye on the goal.
if your having problems commenting, I'm working on it.

We've all met people in life who have made us feel small, worthless and unimportant, but actually we should never be dictated by other people on how we feel.  Of course it hurts and its only natural to want to be liked and noticed, but feelings of worth need to come from within, I know its easier said than done, but by nurturing ourselves, being kind to ourselves and making allowances for ourselves will create a sense of self worth and those people who didn't value you, then I'm afraid they aren't real friends and really not worth worrying about. You are totally worth it!!!! so live as though you are.x

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Mental health issues are still very much a stigma in our society,  but they have touched almost everybodys lives, whether it be a personal one,members of our families or friends and because it is not a visible illness, its harder for people to understand. Unless its been experienced, then people can only nod that they understand. I have personally been touched by depression in mine, some members of my family and it is the most debilitating disease ever. Its a bit like being in constant fog, with no way to see the light and then having to function on a daily basis and I mean the basics, brushing teeth, having a shower, finding clean clothes, having basic conversations, let alone holding down a full time job. As a society we have to be more aware, more patient and more understanding to people who are really suffering, it doesn't help that there is still massive stigma.  More importantly aside from there being a biological imbalance, why is depression so common?, what is it about our society and communities that have made many people so vulnerable to mental illness? Do we all care about our fellow man in society and did you known that loneliness is the biggest disease of all? We are all trying to struggle on, almost selfishly only worrying about out own families and not seeing that life in this moment in time is something we all share. We all need to be kinder to the people around us and see past the end of our own noses.
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When I was 20 I met the most wonderful english man in Germany and ended up living with him for  a year. He was the handyman of the hotel and I was a chambermaid and also a rubbish one at that. I couldn't believe how lucky I was meeting him. We had a pretty great relationship, apart from one thing. He wanted to stay in Germany and I want to leave and explore other places and experiences and wasn't ready to settle for one particular life. I handed my notice in without him knowing and thought he would follow suit, not likely, he was gutted but not that gutted to think about leaving the hotel, where i believe he still works to this day. We went to Turkey together and I was due to leave after that. It was awful, I expected our relationship to kind of carry on overseas, how stupid was I? He phoned me a week after I got back and said it wasnt going to work. I was completley heartbroken. I then did the craziest thing ever, I bought a train ticket and wetn back to Germany. When I got to the staff hotel, I tentatively went up to his room, walked in and he was sitting with another girl, condoms placed near the bed. She left abruptly and I was left with Lenny, who then treated me with complete contempt,ignored me and went to bed, it was one room, I had never felt so awful in my life. I had nowhere to turn, no one to talk to and when he went to work that morning without so much as a goodbye, more like good riddens, I was left having to make my way home to England. I can truly say that I have actually never got over him and what he was like. I'm pretty sure that I was one in  a long line of 'flings' he had when the girls came to work as chambermaids. Im pretty sure he cared about me during the relationship, but love is a powerful word and one that means you love that person unconditionally and wouldn't want to see them hurt in anyway. Sometimes I think it means different things to men that women. I was young, totally in love and he broke my heart. That was in 1992, a lot has happened since then, but I did learn from that relationship that things can be great in a relationship and that is something that I have had, experienced and will cherish.

I've always been a little too eccentric, I always lose one of my ear rings or wear odd socks, I continuously lose my mobile phone, and I go through life with an air of creativity and ideas floating around my brain. I can never get organised enough to write in a diary (ironically) or filofax and my house has reams of books, paintings and paperwork piled up against every corner and crevice. My kids are continuously telling me off for buying yet more books, I just cant help it, I love to write, draw, take photographs, plant flowers, go for long dreamy walks, be nostalgic, I know I'm  a square peg in a round hole, its just me, its how I'm made and I cant make any apologies for it.

If life is feeling pretty stressed and overwhelming at the moment and especially what is going on today, take one minute to just get things into perspective.  Go and find yourself a quiet space (its hard to find, but you will find one) and take deep breaths, think calmly about what is happening and believe that this is only one day, tomorrow will feel different and be open to new ideas. I'm definelty the sort of person who need a quiet cup of tea before I do anything in the morning,it gives me time to reflect and I'm often at my best at thinking first thing in the morning. It was obviously very hard when the kids were younger, but its important for you to think about your needs and wants for five/ten minutes in the day. If need be get up ten minutes earlier, it makes a massive difference, find out what works for you. Finally this is just one day, whatever will be will be, relax, feel confident in yourself and love yourself.x

A few horrible things happened to me today, that left me feeling like I had the whole world on my shoulders. It felt like the 'mountain' in my life that I am trying to conquer got steeper and more treacherous. It sounds a dramatic metaphor, but that is how life is sometimes, it cant all be flowers and roses and this is when we find strength in ourselves that we thought we never had. As human beings we are generally quite resilient and strong when it really counts, and sometimes all it takes is to take one day at a time, those small steps.  All of us will have our own story to tell or are trying to overcome adversity in some form and when things feel incredibly hopeless, there is always some light in the darkness, some hope. For me it lies within my faith as a Christian and knowing that I feel safe within that, for others it can be in knowing that there is always someone who will care about us, even when we feel incredibly lonely or finding something nice happening during those horrible moments. Whatever situation you are in, there is hope, kindness round the corner and light ahead, no matter how dim it feels at the moment.

video of myself

“Good things come to those who wait… greater things come to those who get off their ass and do anything to make it happen.” - Unknown


Follow your dreams, be realistic, take all good opportunities and make your live thrive on them.!!!!!!

We,ve all been duped by the media to believe that if your good looking, or have money that somehow you're are better than others and that looks are everything. Well actually they are not, the most kindest, loveliest, generous people are those are basically looks wise are not particularly beautiful on the outside. When are we going to realise that  actually looks are great in you have them, but actually dont mean a thing. Im trying to drum into my children, who actually all are quite pretty, that the important things in life are what is on the inside and never judge someone by what they look like, how much money they have, because it means nothing in the great scheme of things. Of course its important to look nice, because often looking and dressing nicely makes you feel confident and good about yourself, but ultimately strip away all the decoration, we are all in the same boat and on the same journey. Lets not judge others, or ourselves, because we are all unique and special in our own way.

Do you know what? Wherever you are and whatever you are doing today, hold your head up high, because you are unique, special and have individual talents. No matter what people think about you, it doesn't matter, because its what you think about yourself. We all have faults, we all don't step up to the mark all the time, accept yourself first, before others can accept you, but even if they don't, don't worry, it doesn't matter. And when people gossip about you, because most people get gossiped about, be glad, because your important enough to be talked about. Finally, I'm also telling myself all these things,don't stress about the little things because we spend so much of our lives worrying, that we forget to live in the moment and enjoy the life we've been given.
AND FINALLY, YOU MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've just read a report that every ten seconds a person with asthma suffers a potentially life threatening attack and that three people dies from asthma in the Uk every single day. If someone has not had asthma it's very difficult to describe what it feels like not to be able to breathe. I grew up with  asthma and treatments were very limited in the 70s and 80s , which left myself and other asthma sufferers almost debilitated when things were quite bad. The report also said that those who had died were using their reliever inhalers excessively  before they died, which meant it was unmanaged. I remember when I was about nine literally not being able to breathe at all in my bedroom and using my blue inhaler constantly , I thought I was going to die! it was that bad and it was a continuous blight on my childhood. When someone has a lung condition, it's the worst feeling in the world. thank goodness nowadays we have nebulisers, ground breaking inhalers. About ten years ago, I too was using my blue inhaler both night and day and was getting through an inhaler a week, but it was only after suffering a very bad chest infection that I went to the doctors and said the blue inhalers were not working any more. it was at that point, I was prescribed a purple inhaler, which literally changed my life, I have a blue reliever, but I actually haven't used it for years. I have suffered no chest infections since then, I can sleep brilliantly and can walk as far as I want. Because of amazing medical advances it has now changed to Fostleair, a pink inhaler that works even better. If anyone out there is suffering because of asthma, I urge you to see your doctor for a review of your medicines. it is crucial that asthma sufferers  see their doctors regularly. It can be life changing, but let's not forget we have to treat asthma with respect.

' There are no regrets in life , just lessons' Jennifer Anniston.

Racism comes in all shapes and sizes

I grew up on a  very large council estate in Essex and it was pretty rough when we lived there, not only that but when we moved there in 1973, as it was anew estate we were actually on the edge, as the estate got bigger, we then found, ourselves dead in the middle.  It had its fun moments, such as dad taking us all over the field to play football, cricket etc and I played out constantly . There was just one major problem, because my dad was German, we also stuck out like a sore thumb in many respects, he used to tell the kids off for playing football outside our house, the constant thumping against the wall did his head in, unfortunately I in particular got he raw end of the deal,  I was continuously targeted with German inuendos and verbal abuse, relating to my German heritage, as a young girl, it felt like everybody hated me on that estate for having a German father. We didn't live in a time of tolerance or where there were consequences of such abuse and  had to learn to put up with it. This carried on for a few years and I think it really damaged my self esteem! I was always afraid that my dad would hear the verbal abuse! I could just about take it, but I didn't want any of my family or brothers and sisters to hear it. Nowadays, such verbal abuse would not be tolerated I'm sure and thank god we live in a multi cultural society where people are generally accepted for their cultures and race. In the 1950s Irish immigrants were victims of discrimination,  and my Grandfather was from Dublin and my Nan's family from Limerick! The damage that racism does to our society runs deep, bUt it is nothing but pure ignorance and I'm afraid a lack of intelligence.

Sometimes in life when you want to achieve something and it feels like their is a massive mountain to climb, it can happen! When you take those small tentative steps, it is the beginning of something great and as it says on my University poster, 'a thousand miles begins with one step'. If you want to fulfil your ambitions then go for it, sometimes it takes hard work, determination and goal settings. For myself, I have decided to write a children's book, it will probably take me a year, but I wrote the first page yesterday and I'm feeling inspired already, I've also decided to undertake a large oil painting, which will also take a long time.It also helps that I enjoy these things. When I was doing my degree, I never thought I would end up with a 2:1, in fact I was 2% away from a first, but I did it through determination, a little bit of courage, planning and knowing I wanted to give my kids the best life possible. I left school with practically nothing in terms of qualifications, believing that I was stupid. In the eighties schools were not as 'right on' as they are now and pupils either did well or they didn't and it was accepted.  Life is for living, so go live it and be true to yourself.

miscellaenous

Beautiful sunny day today, so will be tackling the garden. Our garden backs onto a forest and we have so many trees over hanging that the garden struggles to grow anything. Anyway I love gardening and seeing something grow makes me feel happy.  I'm growing tomatoes,parsnips and potatoes and have visited the pound shop for loads of perennials for a pound each, incredible value. (photos to follow) Bank holiday tomorrow and going to visit my sister and nieces, my niece is off to Australia for the summer, so its  a leaving get together.  I'm almost jealous of her going as it sounds so exciting and I think its amazing that young people can do this and live life to the full. My 19 year old son is off to Europe this Summer with his friend, travelling and generally having a good time. Im going to encourage my 17  year old daughter to do Camp America next year.

lists

I write lists for everything, it keeps me focused and organised, I write down what I need to do in the day, what I need to pay out and its really good for the soul. I recommend it.

Im starting an art project this weekend and I'm hoping to display this in the next few weeks on this blog.  I love to paint, it helps me escape from it all, it really does, it is definitely good for positive mental health. A few years ago, I did a course on implementing good mental health, it was amazing, its about adding nice and good things into your life, so that the stresses of life are balanced by doing things that are good for us and that we enjoy. Its important that we be kind to ourselves, so when you feel like popping out for a coffee and a cake, do it, or if you've always wanted to read that book or watch that film, go for it, it doesn't have to cost endless amounts of money. For example, I go for a walk every day, it clears my head, gives me good ideas and I come back refreshed, revived and  a little bit healthier. Anyway watch this space, as my art project will be displayed very soon. any comments on good mental health, are very welcomed.

holiday snaps

Holidays

I' m not joking, I really do need to get away somewhere hot. We went it Majorca in 2004, but as usual lack of money and planning me at that we were scrimping and scraping when we were there and I was desperate to get home. That is why it's been ten years since we have been abroad as a family, we've stuck to british holiday camps! which are great when the kids are little and easily pleased, now they want something more. Holiday camps are now a things of the past for our family. Florida is too expensive, your talking Ten grand for a family of six, even going somewhere like Turkey and Spain would be about four- five grand. So where does that leave us? That is why I need to sell my book ' running' not only would this be a great achievement but I need to earn some money. Holiday photos to follow of the past ten years. Any thought comments, would be gratefully received and answered.
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freebies

I go on two websites every day they are called Magic Freebies and Offer Oasis and they list all the free stuff going and some competitions.  I'm always getting free samples of shampoo, face cream and these are great for when going travelling.  Totally recommended.

My Beauty Compare-your best friend for beauty

http://www.mybeautycompare.com/product/1955366-5(Garnier)_Adult_SPF50+_Miniature_Lotion
I use this Garnier sun tan lotion factor 50 because its so effective it lasts all day, its thick, creamy and smells gorgeous, recommended through the website My Beauty Compare- hundreds of reviews of beauty products and quality products.

Mother to four teenagers

When the children were the little, I almost couldn't wait for them to grow up and we could have adult conversations and all would be swell. Little did I know that when they reach teenage hood, they almost revert back to being toddlers.  Don't get me wrong when I have conversations with them, they can are interesting, articulate, sometimes opinionated, but now they don't really want to talk. When they were little they would tell me every little incident, now it's like pulling teeth to get anything out of them. They are shockingly private about everything, and if you as much as glance at their phones, all havoc breaks loose. At school they have to give their phones in to the office, but I know they don't, apparently they are worried that the school will read their texts, oh yes because office staff really have the time and inclination to do that don't they? As for being friends on social media, you just be joking, they blocked me years ago and when I started to read my 17 year old daughters tweetes on twitter, she reported me to twitter! My sweet little fourteen year old, well she was when she was ten has now turned into Kevin the teenager, everything is embarrassing to her, when I went o parents evening, she said I talked too loud and my shoes didn't go with my clothes. Then there is my nineteen year old, he is right about everything, the world, the universe, religion, once a believer, now a confirmed athiest. Don't they just break your heart? My twelve year old turns thirteen this year and the signs are starting to show. Do they do gap years for parents?

school stabbing

Awful news about the female teacher that was stabbed in a secondary school today. It seems that in the UK, teachers are in the terrible position of not having the backing of parents when disciplining children.  Parents these days(I sound so old) are so defensive and protective of their children, that teachers can not do their job properly.. This story is incredibly sad, this child has ruined his life, his families lives, the teachers life and family and what for?

London

Just been into London today at the Old Bailey for an interview, it was nerve wracking, btu I feel confident about the whole thing.  London is still as busy as ever, saw St Pauls Cathedral, had a coffee and a croissant in cafe nero.  I so want the job now, so I'm going to have to put it out of my mind for a few weeks.  I love visiting London and feel so lucky to live s near.  For all those all have never visited, I can recommend some good visiting points.

Britian

I love my country and everything about it, we are so lucky to have good healthcare,  a welfare system and good education.  I love the sprawling countrysides, quaint churches and small lanes that weave in and out of the countryside, I love the pubs that are dotted around, where you can have a pub lunch or  a pint of beer. I love fish and chips, egg and bacon and shepherds pie.   I love our music and TV programmes and our humour.  Above all I love the people, we are generally so polite, reserved and courteous.

me feeling happy happy happy

most embarrassing moment, well one of them

I was fifteen at the time and had just started my period. I was also working after school at the local supermarket and loved it there.  Having no particular knowledge about sanitary towels, I used one with no sticky back.  Well as the story goes, I was filling  the shelves, when suddenly one of my co workers said 'whats that?'. a sanitary towel was lying on the shop floor, I picked it up hastily exclaiming 'how disgusting!' and shoved it in the bin. I think she knew, I knew and realised that my days were limited there. There have been other embarassing moments in  my life and will reveal more in time, but first I'd like to hear of other peoples embarassing moments, please comment.x

Being a mature student at university

My four years at University of East London as a mature student was one of the best experiences of my life. I studied criminology and criminal Justice and achieved a 2:1. I also had to manage the household, disabled husband, and undertake soem voluntary work. I got involved one everything, joining the going global scheme and went to Sweden on a criminology conference for two days! went to all the criminology conferences at the uni and met some lovely people. I used to grab myself a coffee and sit at he back of the lecture theatre, taking it all in in a relaxed manner . I would recommend anyone to go to university as it opens up your whole world and changes something within yourself. Any comments or questions gratefully received.

Tomboy artist, writer and mother of four: Housework

Tomboy artist, writer and mother of four: Housework: Housework is the bane of my life, with four teenagers, one husband who can't do that much and who are all particularly messy, it's a...

The brave young man raising money for cancer

What a brave and courageous nineteen year old man who has incurable colectoral cancer, but has set up a website to help raise money for Teenage Cancer Trust. This a wonderful example of selflessness in the face of such adversity and an inspiration to those who are suffering. Cancer is a horrible disease, but because of people like him, it is slowly but surely being fought by new drugs and treatments. It also seems that he most loveliest and kindest of people seem to suffer the most hardships, it is a lesson to us all, live life to the full, but remember we are all on a journey and the people around us are on that journey with us, so let's me kinder, more patient and make more allowances for people.  Life is hard enough without criticism, gossip and meanness.

Housework

Housework is the bane of my life, with four teenagers, one husband who can't do that much and who are all particularly messy, it's a nightmare. I decided that as long as the bathroom and kitchen are clean and tidy, then the rest of hg he house has to take care of itself. Having a routine helps, so I will always clean kitchen and bathroom every day, making it particluarly clean and smelling fresh. It's amazing for years I've been telling everybody to pick up towels and clothes after using the bathroom , no one listened until I put up two large posters on the bathroom door, telling them to pick their stuff up after use. That was three months ago, apart from the odd sock, no one has left their stuff on the bathroom floor, it's unbelievable. I think that a constant poster sinks into their brains more than a nagging voice. I also decided that for my house I want that fresh washing smell, like when I go into soem peoples houses, it smells gorgeous . So I always use plenty of fabric conditioner every wash an lo and behold my house smells of fresh washing almost constantly. One other trick in cleaning a bath ,(my auntie erna told me this) is when having. A bath use plenty of bubble bath, it naturally cleans it after wards, easy peasey. For my windows I his amazing cloth I bought in Tescos for £1.99 and it cleans my windows just with a little water, simple.   Any comments and tips would be very grateful received.xxx

paying for NHS treatment

The idea that the government want to charge people ten pounds a month to use the NHS is something that goes against all that Aneurin Bevan the founder of the NHS in 1945 stood for. The start of the 'free' NHS heralded a nation that made all people equal in terms of being medically looked after and made a massive difference to peoples lives.  The government seem to be so desperate for money that they will take it from those who also desperately need it.  I believe that charging ten pounds a month will not make a difference to those who visit the doctors or A&E for silly things,but will make people want to make the most of their ten pounds and will use the NHS more.
Also the payouts given to people who have allegedly suffered negligence at the hands of the NHS is completely bizarre and is ripping the money right out of the taxpayers hands and affecting the quality of the service.  This needs to be closely scutinised, every pound given in compensation affects the safety and quality of the NHS even more, it is counter productive. Please comment on your thoughts, thye are very welcome.

helping with anxiety and depression

About four years ago, I started to suffer real anxiety, so much so that I couldn't function at all, my husband was in hospital at the time, my brother in law had died and my friend had also died that week, It was also Christmas, the kids were all off school and it was snowing heavily. It was awful and I couldn't talk to anyone in my family as everyone was grieving. I remember just putting DVDs on constantly and trying to amuse the children.I went to the doctor who prescribed citralopram and offered a counselling service. I also kept thinking that I couldn't breathe and that I was literally going mad.  The anxiety did subside after about two weeks and haven't really had it since.  I went to the doctors two months ago as I was feeling so tired, more depressed than ever, even being on citralopram, and i was putting on loads of weight.  He sent me for a blood test and was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid!This had caused my depression, Im feeling so much better now Im on tablets, but Im also eating better and walking loads.

If you want to subscribe to my blog, it would be most appreciated and you would get daily articles on all different subjects. Any questions will be answered promptly and again if you could check out 'Running' on amazon kindle, this would also be most appreciated. thanks for reading.

Road rage

It's funny how little things that Happen in cars make drivers act in ways that they wouldn't normally act face to face. Perhaps it's knowing that when in a car, they are safe from repercussions from other drivers or that when driving people are in such a hurry to get places, patience is in short supply. I am guilty of this, I despair of drivers that drive ten miles under the speed limit, or when I get cut up or if there is no indication. I think we as a society need to think how we behave in cars, because they are dangerous when abused.  I've decided I'm going to be ultra patient to other drivers, give them the benefit of the doubt and let people out of a junction. Mostly we are all pretty okay about this sort of thing, Any thoughts, please comment.

Insecurity

I have  always been plagued by a sense of inferiority and being different and I'm not sure why that was. I always felt that my dad always disapproved of me, maybe because I didn't conform enough in terms of behaviour.  this left me with a feeling of not fitting in and that keeping friends was such hard work.  I would often have a friend for a certain time, then they would get fed up, even now I don't really fit in, but I have had counselling and have come to the conclusion that this is the way God made me, just like someone who has been born with a big nose or whatever. I can't do a thing about it, but I just have to keep on believing that I am important and not invisible. That probably sums up how I feel that I am perceived ' invisible'. I know I am important, but in reality I'm not important to other people. But that's okay, I have four amazing children, four amazing siblings, and a couple of friends I can always meet for coffeeif I want to.

Tomboy

I grew up in the 1970s, the youngest of five children, with a German father and a mother with Irish heritage. It would be fair to say that I was the tomboys above tomboys, Shiloh Jolie Pitt move over, I didn't call myself john! I called myself Barry ?My hair was cut short, I wore shorts, tee shirts, trousers, catch me in a dress, no fear.  I remember my dad chasing me round the house trying to put a dress on me. Shopkeepers called me son and I loved it, I played with action men! not Barbie dolls! I played soldiers! climbed trees! made dens! got muddy, all my friends were boys. I longed to be a boy.  I joined the local football training team, and was viewed with suspision by everybody, of course I wasn't allowed to play in matches, but I was really good at football, but there were no opportunities in the early eighties for girls to play football. Who knows what I might have been able to achieve? Anyway as I reached teenager hood , I started to wear more girly things! got interested in boys! but at heart I am the biggest tomboy going, I don't think it ever leaves you, but I've learnt to love who I am. 

Tomboy artist, writer and mother of four: my son who has ADHD

Tomboy artist, writer and mother of four: my son who has ADHD: Theo was born in 2001, the youngest of my four children and proved to actually be a relatively easy baby and toddler, being completely out ...

This is another review of my book 'Running'. Its available on Amazon Kindle for $1.99, its the book to really get me started into the business of writing for pleasure and to make some money, life has been pretty tough financially, basically since I got married 20 years ago, as my husband never stuck to a job in the early days and has been sick with ill health over the last ten years. Enough said about that, Running is a thriller of all thrillers, Maggie's husband has been chasing her around the UK, after she leaves him and has been a serious victim of domestic violence, she becomes a fugitive,but falls in love with a Scottish man Duncan and her life begins to unravel yet again.
be sure to check 'Running' out and even give me a review on here, good or bad.

theo in pastel aged 18 months

news of the mother who killed her three young children in London

Absolutely heartbreaking to hear of the mother who allegedly killed her three young children.  When I was doing my research dissertation on 'Mothers who kill' -available to anybody who wants to read it, it became apparent that many mothers who do this sort of thing are either extremely depressed or have no support.  Before I undertook the project I was very clear cut about what I thought of mothers who do this, but things are never black or white.
In terms of this particular lady, who knows what was going through her mind, but I'm sure she wasn't evil and I'm sure it will all come out.  Anybody who has any thoughts on this issue, be sure to comment.

my son who has ADHD

Theo was born in 2001, the youngest of my four children and proved to actually be a relatively easy baby and toddler, being completely out of nappies by his second birthday,above all he was the cutest little boy ever and loved him more than I could say.  One particular day Theo had wandered upstairs, had got into the bath with just a nappy on and turned on the hot water, I could hear him screaming upstairs. It was probably coming up to the age of three that things started to become different or much more noticeable, such as when he bit  both of my friends twins.  I was horrified, the parents were horrified, but worse I didn't get invited over any more, of course I was defensive, stating that two years olds often bit other children.  Then my older children started to get scratches on their faces, again I put it down to him being over excited or boisterous,because of I reasoned that that was what boys were like.  Even when my eight year old son recieved a stick injury from Theo and had to be taken to A&E for  a split lens in his eye, I put it down to Theo just being Theo.  

When he started nursery,  the teachers noticed that he was highly intelligent, but a parent complained to me that Theo had punched her son, it seemed that when things were going well Theo would do something and it would all go wrong and I started to be really concerned. He became extremely bossy to other children, used inappropriate words to adults and I could sense that the son I completely adored, was viewed with suspition by other adults, hardly ever invited to any parties in  primary school and I was absolutley heartbroken.  At home he talked incessantly, became obsessed with things and was extremely hyperactive. When I tried to go to the doctors. it was hard to put into words what he was like and after being referred to the peadiatrician, the questionaire for ADHD came back negative. I couldn't believe it, I just accepted the fact that he was a difficult child and I would just have to put up with it.  When I changed his primary school.in year 5 I thoughtperhaps that things were looking up, as the teacher rarely complained about him and he seemed to be really popular,because despite everything he is a very funny child.  Then in year six I recieved the bombshell from the teacher who had explained that they had made many allowances for theo,but he just was not learning, he was well below the average and had caused some problems within the school with a certain child.  A few days later  a parent took me aside and said that the party invitation her child had given Theo was to be revoked and under no circumstances was Theo to ever talk to her son again.  I cried for a month.  Again there was no where to actually turn, I felt alone, isolated and at my wits end.

The turning point was when Theo started secondary school, I explained to the school the week he started that there  might be some problems with Theo, the learning support didn't know anything about him and had no complaints so far. I knew it would come , about three weeks later this same lady rang me up to say that Theo was a complete whirlwind in most of his classes, didn't listen, used inappropriate language and it was affecting his relationship with his peers, his learning and whole education.  Apparently Theo didn't just walk into a classroom, he danced.  The ball began to roll, Theo was assessed again for ADHD and this time when it came back that he did indeed have it, I cried with relief, joy and a sense that now things could begin to change.  He was put on ritalin and from that day, he has become a different child to teach.  He still has ADHD, he still needs some kind of social skills input, he still has tantrums at home and he still needs proactive intervention to help him become a mature young person, but this is a journey and he is still my clever, funny, kind little boy.  

Theo daniels

Abbie and Jacob 1997. So beautiful and cute, my proudest achievements ever.

Abigail Francesca daniels , the most beautiful little baby! taken 1997.

My son theo when he was 18 months, he was so cute. This is a pastel drawing.

I have four children Jacob, aged 19, Abbie aged 17, Maddie and 14 and Theo aged 12, they run me ragged, but they really are my life and everything I do I do it for them.

Im currently looking for a job, caring for my disabled husband and have just completed my degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice in which I got a 2:1.

My novel 'running' is on Amazon Kindle for a fantastic $1.99, which is about 99p.  A fantastic read about a woman who is a victim of domestic violence and her journey as she leaves him, taking with her her small daughter Meg. The story has twists and turns that will leave you in the edge of your seat.