Feeling rather shattered at the moment, but having just entered the paid workforce after a good many years, it also feels great. Not working made me feel that we were not moving anywhere, remaining stagnant while everybody else was moving forward with their jobs. So no matter how tired I feel right now, its because im doing somehting productive and ultimatley providing for my children. If anyone is in  a position now where things feel mundane, everything is the same, things will improve, things change all the time, just keep on going and focus on the reasons that you do things.

Its been raining all week and am beginning to wonder whetehr summer is going to pass us by with the odd ray of sunshine and before we know it it will be september. Anyway, life is a bit like that sometimes, it can feel that its raining most of the time, with the odd piece of sunshine, and thats how it has felt for me for many years, without going down that road of whining about my life, having very little money to do things over the years with the children has felt like going on holiday  without any money. Of course we have exhausted the long walks, the picnics, the local parks, the free museums, the paddling pools, anything that doesnt really cost much, but at the end of the day it would be lovley to do somethingelse to have a constant flow of choices. And ultimately the children will not remember the money spent on them, but how much time and attention we lavished on them, I know this, I really do, but I want to take them to far away places, let them see the other side of life, but thats how I feel, they are probably perfectly happy. Things will e different now though, Im starting my job today, a seemingly lowly job, but a job,  a chance to provide and feel that I am contributing to the quality of my childrens lives and nothing can beat that, Im pretty sure that Im going to see the sun a lot more.

Katie hopkins is one of those people we all love to hate, she comes out with outragoeus comments about people, she seems to have the thickest skin going and doesnt appear to care who she insults or who insults her. Ive just read an article about her that states that she is arguably the most hated woman in Britain, yet she still doesnt waiver in her views and remains steadfast in her opinions. How and why? If some one said anything horrible to me, I would probably cry, although Im much more resilient these days. In fact Katie hopkins suffers from epilepsy and regards this as a sign of weakness, so never dwells on it and is resolute to her illness, another badge on her resilient jacket. She has to get her dislocated arms put in her sockets on a regular basis, because of her epilepsy. She believes that people should basically get on with it saying 'we all have crap in our lives. get on with it, move on, get your arms put back in.'

Forthright we know, but unfortunatley not everyone is made of the same stuff or have had the same experiences, one horrible thing to soemone, may be a catastrophe to soemone else. She does have a point though, that we all do have some inner strength that we can dip into in times of adversity, sometimes its just making that decision despite how we feel. 

Im starting my job on next week, having not been in paid work for so long, I am very excited.  David Beckham said recently about his son getting  a job in a coffee shop, how they want to instill in their children the work ethic and how its the greatest gift you can give your children. I was really impressed by that and am spured on even more to create  a better life for my kids. I was also impressed by my niece who recently worked all the hours she could to fund herself to travel around Australia, I believe that the more you put into life you more you get out, sometimes you make your own luck.If you want to make something happen, you will find a way, it just requires a bit of resourcefulness and hard work and perhaps yourll find a bit of luck along the way.

I,ve always loved the Beckhams, im not sure why, but i think its because I admite them for the way they have built up their businesses, give generously, are great parents and i think they are kind people. Victoria Beckham once said that she could fit all her and davids freinds into a postbox, interesting for two people who seem to have the world at their feet. Real friends seem to come easier for soem people than others, why is it I wonder  that we seem to measure the value of people by how many friends they have. Victoria also said that ehr best freinds are her husband, her mum and her sister. Well i can pretty much relate to that, how wonderful to have sisters , what a gift. I have a couple of close freinds and whenever I see them we pick up where we left off, even if its been months. If you feel you dont have friends and are feeling particularly lonely, dont worry about it, there is always soemone who cares about you, whether you have good social skills or not, be a friend to yourself, because thats where good freindships start.

There are no words to describe how I feel at the moment, I feel totally great and there is hope for the future. Who knows how I will feel next week, but today feels great. If you are feeling below par today, go with the flow and just enjoy the simple things in life, I take great joy from tending my flowers or having a cup of tea and a biscuit! simple things to make life happy. So treat yourself to one nice thing today and feel confidence in yourself and your abilities.

I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It just goes to show with determination, effort and belief things happen, things change and things get better.xx

Another beautiful warm day today, it makes you feel so good and well when it's warm, the hardest months in the uk are jan and feb,when it's freezing, your skint after christmas  and everything feels yuk. Yesterday I went for a second interview at waitrose, I should hear by the end of the week. I so want the job, that I'm nervous every time the phone rings. Anyway I will keep you all updated. I'm also going to do lots of walking today it's when I really think at my bets and it get all those thoughts out onto the surface, which is really therapeutic. The other day me and theo walked to new hall and back and he said ' promise me mum that we can live in a house like that one day', I said I will promise that I will try my hardest to work as hard as I can to do that! but that's all I can promise. It's particularly hard when you don't have choices about where you can live of what holidays you can go on, but it's important to be content with what you've got and enjoy it, as well as striving for what you want to achieve.  So enjoy what you've got but keep those dreams and aspirations in view.

I've been to my uncles funeral today, it was very poignant, but it was also a chance to remember him in a really lovely way. Loss is something we have all experienced and will probably continue to experience in the future. I think that we should cherish those around us, make every moment count with them, and not waste time. We are all on a journey together and we have been put with our families for a reason, some of us get a second chance with our own little families, so if your parents have been slightly unloving or uncaring, you at least know that your kids love you or your friends. So make the most of today and embrace those moments with your loved ones, they drive us mad sometimes, but that's what it's all about isn't it?

If anyone knows how the hek people can comment on my blog, please let me know , I've tried everything.
Barbannlucy@yahoo.co.uk
Gratefuls.

I've decided that I definetley  need a personal assistant, someone to pay my bills, to worry about them, to advise me when I don't know what to do in a social situation. I need someone to give me advice when I don't know how to deal with problems! someone to fill my car up with petrol, someone to tell me that yes I'm doing okay! someone who can taxi the kids around, someone to take the kids to the dentist and someone who can advise me on the clothes I'm wearing. Wouldn't that all be lovely ? Now back to the real world, I love doing all these things for my kids and I do struggle in social situations, although I've seriously got better, but really we have to try and solve our own issues and that's what makes us better and more understanding people. So keep your chin up, hold your head high and keep plodding on, because you really are doing okay.

Today is a beautiful sunny and hot day, so make the most of it, go for a walk, have a picnic, spend time with your family or friends. Do something you enjoy, even if life is really getting you down at the moment, take joy in the little things and build from there. Make today full of new opportunities and don't let the stresses and hard times dictate the way you live life. Reach out to one person today, say something nice, do something nice, whatever  you want and if that person is you, then do that.

One thing I've realised in life is that when your criticised on a regular basis, it destroys a persons self esteem and how they value themselves.   Why is it then that its far easier to criticise than to praise or say something nice about someone, even if its not to their face. I think its to do with their own insecurities and about how they feel about themselves.  For example, I was reading about how Vanessa Feltz as a child had put on rather a bit of weight and her mother said to her 'youre getting rather podgy'. Although her mother felt that she was trying to help her, actually Vanessa recalled at that point, her self esteem was damaged by the comment and she continued to put on more weight. The hardest thing to do when you want to help someone with something, is to refrain from saying any thing that would in any way make them feel even more inadaquete, The important thing is to accept completely the people you love, with all their faults, because unbelievably this will make them change for the better, when people feel accepted, they grow, they thrive, they feel confident in their abilities. So take the time to praise, not criticize, and that includes to ourselves.

Its amazing how you can feel so rubbish one day, but things happen in a moment and life seems brilliant again. That's why when I'm feeling very bad, I know that just one thing can make a difference, for me it is the prospect of maybe getting some work very soon(keep you updated). I'm also becoming self employed as from Monday, which is very exciting. I thing we are kind of control of lots of things that happen to us, we can choose to bow out or perservere and we all have it in us to do this. If you're in a bad situation, don't despair and know that there are better and lovely things just around the corner.

Had  a some what disappointing day, in that a job I really wanted to get and went for an interview three weeks ago was unsuccessful, reading the rejection email, reminded me when  kept  failing my driving test. It took six times and each time, I thought I was a failure and that this is something I would never be able to do, but I always picked myself up, more determined than ever. Well that is what I've done today, I'm going to keep on going with the job applications, I went for an interview yesterday and got another interview at the end of May. I will get that job, but there will be more disappointments and feelings of failure along the way I'm sure. If you're in a situation where it feels like there is no hope and there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there really is, you've just got to find some inner strength (you do have it)to keep on moving forward and plodding on. You will get there and so will I.x

I think I may have sorted the comments out, if you click on no comments at the bottom of the article, it should come up with a box and click on how you want to comment, it could be anonymous, word press, whatever you want, those comments are very appreciated, so please get commenting, good or bad

http://www.birminghammail.co.uk/lifestyle/health/inspiring-burntwood-teenager-draws-up-1288871
'I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of not cramming as much into my life as I should have done' Stephen Sutton.
This is one particular person who was inspiring, unselfish and somebody young people can look up to as a role model. He also wanted to make the most out of his short life. So often we think that we will put off doing that thing we've always dreamed of doing and end up never doing it. Life on earth is precious and we should be embracing it with both arms even against adversity, none of us are not without problems and its easy to feel like giving up our dreams, because its just too hard. I do believe that with determination, hard work and passion we can fulfil some of our dreams, just have your goals, work towards them and believe in yourself, even if nobody else does, keep going and keep you eye on the goal.
if your having problems commenting, I'm working on it.

We've all met people in life who have made us feel small, worthless and unimportant, but actually we should never be dictated by other people on how we feel.  Of course it hurts and its only natural to want to be liked and noticed, but feelings of worth need to come from within, I know its easier said than done, but by nurturing ourselves, being kind to ourselves and making allowances for ourselves will create a sense of self worth and those people who didn't value you, then I'm afraid they aren't real friends and really not worth worrying about. You are totally worth it!!!! so live as though you are.x

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Mental health issues are still very much a stigma in our society,  but they have touched almost everybodys lives, whether it be a personal one,members of our families or friends and because it is not a visible illness, its harder for people to understand. Unless its been experienced, then people can only nod that they understand. I have personally been touched by depression in mine, some members of my family and it is the most debilitating disease ever. Its a bit like being in constant fog, with no way to see the light and then having to function on a daily basis and I mean the basics, brushing teeth, having a shower, finding clean clothes, having basic conversations, let alone holding down a full time job. As a society we have to be more aware, more patient and more understanding to people who are really suffering, it doesn't help that there is still massive stigma.  More importantly aside from there being a biological imbalance, why is depression so common?, what is it about our society and communities that have made many people so vulnerable to mental illness? Do we all care about our fellow man in society and did you known that loneliness is the biggest disease of all? We are all trying to struggle on, almost selfishly only worrying about out own families and not seeing that life in this moment in time is something we all share. We all need to be kinder to the people around us and see past the end of our own noses.
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When I was 20 I met the most wonderful english man in Germany and ended up living with him for  a year. He was the handyman of the hotel and I was a chambermaid and also a rubbish one at that. I couldn't believe how lucky I was meeting him. We had a pretty great relationship, apart from one thing. He wanted to stay in Germany and I want to leave and explore other places and experiences and wasn't ready to settle for one particular life. I handed my notice in without him knowing and thought he would follow suit, not likely, he was gutted but not that gutted to think about leaving the hotel, where i believe he still works to this day. We went to Turkey together and I was due to leave after that. It was awful, I expected our relationship to kind of carry on overseas, how stupid was I? He phoned me a week after I got back and said it wasnt going to work. I was completley heartbroken. I then did the craziest thing ever, I bought a train ticket and wetn back to Germany. When I got to the staff hotel, I tentatively went up to his room, walked in and he was sitting with another girl, condoms placed near the bed. She left abruptly and I was left with Lenny, who then treated me with complete contempt,ignored me and went to bed, it was one room, I had never felt so awful in my life. I had nowhere to turn, no one to talk to and when he went to work that morning without so much as a goodbye, more like good riddens, I was left having to make my way home to England. I can truly say that I have actually never got over him and what he was like. I'm pretty sure that I was one in  a long line of 'flings' he had when the girls came to work as chambermaids. Im pretty sure he cared about me during the relationship, but love is a powerful word and one that means you love that person unconditionally and wouldn't want to see them hurt in anyway. Sometimes I think it means different things to men that women. I was young, totally in love and he broke my heart. That was in 1992, a lot has happened since then, but I did learn from that relationship that things can be great in a relationship and that is something that I have had, experienced and will cherish.

I've always been a little too eccentric, I always lose one of my ear rings or wear odd socks, I continuously lose my mobile phone, and I go through life with an air of creativity and ideas floating around my brain. I can never get organised enough to write in a diary (ironically) or filofax and my house has reams of books, paintings and paperwork piled up against every corner and crevice. My kids are continuously telling me off for buying yet more books, I just cant help it, I love to write, draw, take photographs, plant flowers, go for long dreamy walks, be nostalgic, I know I'm  a square peg in a round hole, its just me, its how I'm made and I cant make any apologies for it.

If life is feeling pretty stressed and overwhelming at the moment and especially what is going on today, take one minute to just get things into perspective.  Go and find yourself a quiet space (its hard to find, but you will find one) and take deep breaths, think calmly about what is happening and believe that this is only one day, tomorrow will feel different and be open to new ideas. I'm definelty the sort of person who need a quiet cup of tea before I do anything in the morning,it gives me time to reflect and I'm often at my best at thinking first thing in the morning. It was obviously very hard when the kids were younger, but its important for you to think about your needs and wants for five/ten minutes in the day. If need be get up ten minutes earlier, it makes a massive difference, find out what works for you. Finally this is just one day, whatever will be will be, relax, feel confident in yourself and love yourself.x

A few horrible things happened to me today, that left me feeling like I had the whole world on my shoulders. It felt like the 'mountain' in my life that I am trying to conquer got steeper and more treacherous. It sounds a dramatic metaphor, but that is how life is sometimes, it cant all be flowers and roses and this is when we find strength in ourselves that we thought we never had. As human beings we are generally quite resilient and strong when it really counts, and sometimes all it takes is to take one day at a time, those small steps.  All of us will have our own story to tell or are trying to overcome adversity in some form and when things feel incredibly hopeless, there is always some light in the darkness, some hope. For me it lies within my faith as a Christian and knowing that I feel safe within that, for others it can be in knowing that there is always someone who will care about us, even when we feel incredibly lonely or finding something nice happening during those horrible moments. Whatever situation you are in, there is hope, kindness round the corner and light ahead, no matter how dim it feels at the moment.

video of myself

“Good things come to those who wait… greater things come to those who get off their ass and do anything to make it happen.” - Unknown


Follow your dreams, be realistic, take all good opportunities and make your live thrive on them.!!!!!!

We,ve all been duped by the media to believe that if your good looking, or have money that somehow you're are better than others and that looks are everything. Well actually they are not, the most kindest, loveliest, generous people are those are basically looks wise are not particularly beautiful on the outside. When are we going to realise that  actually looks are great in you have them, but actually dont mean a thing. Im trying to drum into my children, who actually all are quite pretty, that the important things in life are what is on the inside and never judge someone by what they look like, how much money they have, because it means nothing in the great scheme of things. Of course its important to look nice, because often looking and dressing nicely makes you feel confident and good about yourself, but ultimately strip away all the decoration, we are all in the same boat and on the same journey. Lets not judge others, or ourselves, because we are all unique and special in our own way.

Do you know what? Wherever you are and whatever you are doing today, hold your head up high, because you are unique, special and have individual talents. No matter what people think about you, it doesn't matter, because its what you think about yourself. We all have faults, we all don't step up to the mark all the time, accept yourself first, before others can accept you, but even if they don't, don't worry, it doesn't matter. And when people gossip about you, because most people get gossiped about, be glad, because your important enough to be talked about. Finally, I'm also telling myself all these things,don't stress about the little things because we spend so much of our lives worrying, that we forget to live in the moment and enjoy the life we've been given.
AND FINALLY, YOU MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've just read a report that every ten seconds a person with asthma suffers a potentially life threatening attack and that three people dies from asthma in the Uk every single day. If someone has not had asthma it's very difficult to describe what it feels like not to be able to breathe. I grew up with  asthma and treatments were very limited in the 70s and 80s , which left myself and other asthma sufferers almost debilitated when things were quite bad. The report also said that those who had died were using their reliever inhalers excessively  before they died, which meant it was unmanaged. I remember when I was about nine literally not being able to breathe at all in my bedroom and using my blue inhaler constantly , I thought I was going to die! it was that bad and it was a continuous blight on my childhood. When someone has a lung condition, it's the worst feeling in the world. thank goodness nowadays we have nebulisers, ground breaking inhalers. About ten years ago, I too was using my blue inhaler both night and day and was getting through an inhaler a week, but it was only after suffering a very bad chest infection that I went to the doctors and said the blue inhalers were not working any more. it was at that point, I was prescribed a purple inhaler, which literally changed my life, I have a blue reliever, but I actually haven't used it for years. I have suffered no chest infections since then, I can sleep brilliantly and can walk as far as I want. Because of amazing medical advances it has now changed to Fostleair, a pink inhaler that works even better. If anyone out there is suffering because of asthma, I urge you to see your doctor for a review of your medicines. it is crucial that asthma sufferers  see their doctors regularly. It can be life changing, but let's not forget we have to treat asthma with respect.

' There are no regrets in life , just lessons' Jennifer Anniston.

Racism comes in all shapes and sizes

I grew up on a  very large council estate in Essex and it was pretty rough when we lived there, not only that but when we moved there in 1973, as it was anew estate we were actually on the edge, as the estate got bigger, we then found, ourselves dead in the middle.  It had its fun moments, such as dad taking us all over the field to play football, cricket etc and I played out constantly . There was just one major problem, because my dad was German, we also stuck out like a sore thumb in many respects, he used to tell the kids off for playing football outside our house, the constant thumping against the wall did his head in, unfortunately I in particular got he raw end of the deal,  I was continuously targeted with German inuendos and verbal abuse, relating to my German heritage, as a young girl, it felt like everybody hated me on that estate for having a German father. We didn't live in a time of tolerance or where there were consequences of such abuse and  had to learn to put up with it. This carried on for a few years and I think it really damaged my self esteem! I was always afraid that my dad would hear the verbal abuse! I could just about take it, but I didn't want any of my family or brothers and sisters to hear it. Nowadays, such verbal abuse would not be tolerated I'm sure and thank god we live in a multi cultural society where people are generally accepted for their cultures and race. In the 1950s Irish immigrants were victims of discrimination,  and my Grandfather was from Dublin and my Nan's family from Limerick! The damage that racism does to our society runs deep, bUt it is nothing but pure ignorance and I'm afraid a lack of intelligence.

Sometimes in life when you want to achieve something and it feels like their is a massive mountain to climb, it can happen! When you take those small tentative steps, it is the beginning of something great and as it says on my University poster, 'a thousand miles begins with one step'. If you want to fulfil your ambitions then go for it, sometimes it takes hard work, determination and goal settings. For myself, I have decided to write a children's book, it will probably take me a year, but I wrote the first page yesterday and I'm feeling inspired already, I've also decided to undertake a large oil painting, which will also take a long time.It also helps that I enjoy these things. When I was doing my degree, I never thought I would end up with a 2:1, in fact I was 2% away from a first, but I did it through determination, a little bit of courage, planning and knowing I wanted to give my kids the best life possible. I left school with practically nothing in terms of qualifications, believing that I was stupid. In the eighties schools were not as 'right on' as they are now and pupils either did well or they didn't and it was accepted.  Life is for living, so go live it and be true to yourself.

miscellaenous

Beautiful sunny day today, so will be tackling the garden. Our garden backs onto a forest and we have so many trees over hanging that the garden struggles to grow anything. Anyway I love gardening and seeing something grow makes me feel happy.  I'm growing tomatoes,parsnips and potatoes and have visited the pound shop for loads of perennials for a pound each, incredible value. (photos to follow) Bank holiday tomorrow and going to visit my sister and nieces, my niece is off to Australia for the summer, so its  a leaving get together.  I'm almost jealous of her going as it sounds so exciting and I think its amazing that young people can do this and live life to the full. My 19 year old son is off to Europe this Summer with his friend, travelling and generally having a good time. Im going to encourage my 17  year old daughter to do Camp America next year.

lists

I write lists for everything, it keeps me focused and organised, I write down what I need to do in the day, what I need to pay out and its really good for the soul. I recommend it.

Im starting an art project this weekend and I'm hoping to display this in the next few weeks on this blog.  I love to paint, it helps me escape from it all, it really does, it is definitely good for positive mental health. A few years ago, I did a course on implementing good mental health, it was amazing, its about adding nice and good things into your life, so that the stresses of life are balanced by doing things that are good for us and that we enjoy. Its important that we be kind to ourselves, so when you feel like popping out for a coffee and a cake, do it, or if you've always wanted to read that book or watch that film, go for it, it doesn't have to cost endless amounts of money. For example, I go for a walk every day, it clears my head, gives me good ideas and I come back refreshed, revived and  a little bit healthier. Anyway watch this space, as my art project will be displayed very soon. any comments on good mental health, are very welcomed.

holiday snaps

Holidays

I' m not joking, I really do need to get away somewhere hot. We went it Majorca in 2004, but as usual lack of money and planning me at that we were scrimping and scraping when we were there and I was desperate to get home. That is why it's been ten years since we have been abroad as a family, we've stuck to british holiday camps! which are great when the kids are little and easily pleased, now they want something more. Holiday camps are now a things of the past for our family. Florida is too expensive, your talking Ten grand for a family of six, even going somewhere like Turkey and Spain would be about four- five grand. So where does that leave us? That is why I need to sell my book ' running' not only would this be a great achievement but I need to earn some money. Holiday photos to follow of the past ten years. Any thought comments, would be gratefully received and answered.
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