samaritans

I rang the samaritans tonight, how can this be, I have 'family' but my mum or dad never rings or visits me, is this normal? I really dont know, its certainly normal for me but is this really what other parental relationships are like, I dont really think so. I have cried all day and am finding it harder to see light at the end of the tunnel every day. Is this living?

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Tomboy artist, writer and mother of four: returning

Tomboy artist, writer and mother of four: returning: It has been a good few months since my last blog, mainly because I'm been really busy. I been in my job for four months now as a learnin...

This blog is a record of feelings felt and thoughts thinked, its aim is to give advice about living and being able to manage difficult situations, I am an ordinary mother, person, wife, daughter etc who had come up against adversity and hardship, but trying to keep smiling and encouraging throughout. Whatever your situation, YOU are IMPORTANT, SPECIAL, AMAZING and a VALUABLE person on this earth. Remember those things as you go about life and regardless of what other people think of you, it doesn’t really matter. Happy reading.x

returning

It has been a good few months since my last blog, mainly because I'm been really busy. I been in my job for four months now as a learning support and its hard work, but incredibly rewarding. I've taken a lot of my own advice about being true to yourself and not let anyone sway who you are, but occasionally there are situations and circumstances where you have to practise what you preach. There was a situation at work recently where I needed to be assertive about something, but wasn't,as I didn't want to have confrontations or bad feeling. I realised afterwards, that if there would be bad feeling it wouldn't have been me that created it, so next week I will address the issue on a calm and assertive basis and reap the consequences of saying what I feel and think.
Keep going back to what you believe is right, but respecting other peoples views at the same time, but fight for what you truly believe in.

I'm currently on the last legs of writing a new book, titled. 'There's no way I'm one of them', its a mini biography, but wont be completed for about two months, where I will be selling it on amazon and as a hard copy. I feel like I've been sleepwalking over the past few months, trying to keep my head above water and failing miserably, but I'm now due to start a job and undertaking a part time masters course in Criminal Psychology, so interesting.
My eldest son has been diagnosed with Aspergers and has come on in leaps and bounds since then, working hard for his Physics degree, and going on a sponsored walk in Peru next year. My next daughter Abbie has got herself interviews for Social work degree for next year and has just come back from an incredible time in Tanzania.
Remember that if today your feeling rubbish, you probably will feel good tomorrow, take time to address those anxious feeling and work out why you're feeling like you are and make a plan. All good things come out of planning and plans

At the bottom of the pile at the moment. I havent had a conversation wih pratically any body who isnt my family in the pastnfew months. I needed a kindnword and some kind faces todaynso stoped in at a coffee and cake morningbat a church near us. they were all old, but were really interested in me and it was nice to actually talk to people.I have a doctors appointment coming up and maybe get some answers. just been called evil by my 'loving' husband thre times this week, it doesnt make someone feel goodmtomhear that and its playing on my mind. so sad at mo.

Feeling slightly mote positive, life is pretty tough at ghmoment but im going to focus on all the positives n my life and  make better decisions. Going to sepnd time woth my bambinos duting the holidays and make the most of them being young before they fly the nsest.

Not the best week ever, feelign lonely, sad and isolated. I wish people would accept me for who i am, regardless of what i look like, how much money i have, but the world doesnt work like that does it, its harsh, cruel and judgemental. This lonelieness will never go away, guess i a just have to learn to live with it.

Okay I have one son who now is an official backpacker in Europe, one niece backpacking on the gold coast in australia and i have to admit I am downright jel. Okay so i did a bit of chamber maiding in germany when i was 20, but what happened? Did i just wake up one morning  married at 23 with four chavvies subsequently coming along, did this happen by accident. No is the answer, I amde my choices and uktimatley I wanted to have a family from the age of 20, i wanted babies and family life and there are no regrets on this point. But....... I didnt prepare  financially, it can only be described as going on holiday without any money, the children are the ultimate amazing experience, but i want to spoil them, splash out, take them travelling, instead I have gone grey with worry about about paying bills, heating the house, making aure te fridge is full with healthy foods, i know and i do knwo that money means nothing, int he great scheme of things and i am  in no way materialistic, but it would have been secure, and made me slightly happier to have enjoyed their childhoods more, instead of constant worry. Heres to things looking up financially, 

At what point do we say enough is enough when our children dont respect us. Do we have the right to respect from our kids or do we have to earn it? We feen them, clothe then love them, drive them places, pit up with their whining, give them money, listen to them, advise them, talk to them, encourage them, stick up for them, and many other things, but what if its not enough? What if what ever we do they just dont give anything, eben a decent conversation. Feeling very sad at the moment, and cant see it getting any better. All i would like is some respect, some kindness and a positive relation ship with my grown up kids, instead of criticism. Going to work tonight sad and very empty.

Had a good vew weeks at work and have lost a stone thorugh sheer physical work. Its ha going but i feel better mentally and physically, which is amazing, because when i wasnt in work, i felt depressed, lethargic and goalless. Also been feeling invisible and unimportant the last few weeks and have been battling insecurity and my own feeling sof low self esteem, it is  a daily battle and feelings of inferiority cloud my whole life. Why doea this happen and will i ever nto have to worry about who i am and feelings of self worth. I know where theyve come from, but dealing with barrages of put downs and lack of respect towards myself is not nice. Anyway onwards and upwards, have had some ncie things happen over the past few days and so feeling happier about that. Hopefully some words of encouragement and happier words in my next post. Keep on beleiveing in yourself  you matter and so do i

Im not really one for having really close pals and doing everything together. There is too  much going on in my brain or room for this in my life. With family issues, family other freinds to see, work, and everythign else, I just cant see how I can fit this in emotionally or practically, maybe one day this might change, but ive also had my fair share of fairweather freinds, those when things are great for a while, then they lose interest, and then wondering whether they were true freinds in the first place. The best freinds i have are those who I dont see for a while, but its all stull okay and we can cathc up from where we left off. A lot of people need more than this in their lives, including my kids, freinds are wverything to them, but Iive lways been a bit of a loner, thats just the way I am, but thats not to say I need closeness, but just with people when its  not hard work or i have to worry about offending them or just being able to be myself without judgement, thats yrue freindship.

Okay great ive got a stress fracture in my foot, and ive got a long night shift ahead of me, so two supports on, two paracetamol, some deep heat, yhos has got to work, am not going to go sick. I must admit that im geown a little bot more robust over the last few weeks, but also acquired a back ache, bruises all down my arms, scrapes down the back of my shins, a stress fracture that requires complete rest. Oh well the show mucy go on.

Just checking in, been working hard ghe last week and have hd no time to do any writing, im becoming mote robust at doing nights, im fine as long as im not too tired. Anyway i can see a great future in employment and has given me the confidence to acheive big things. There is four main reasons fo rm doing such physical work, they are called jacob, abbie, maddie and theo. 

Ive never felt so alive, yet so tired. Yes having completed a week of nights, and struggled to sleep in the day, but when I dont have to work the next night, i sleep like a log. Ive read an in credible article from MINd this week about learning to accept yourself, its taken years for me to get to the point when I can say Im okay. Accept yourself, its easier said then done, but really its the core of living life fo the full, accept your faults, we all have them, be nice to yourself, be nice to others, it really is the hub of living. It starts with your own beliefs in youreslf, forget what other people think of you, it doesnt matter, you matter, so live life as though you do.

Feeling rather shattered at the moment, but having just entered the paid workforce after a good many years, it also feels great. Not working made me feel that we were not moving anywhere, remaining stagnant while everybody else was moving forward with their jobs. So no matter how tired I feel right now, its because im doing somehting productive and ultimatley providing for my children. If anyone is in  a position now where things feel mundane, everything is the same, things will improve, things change all the time, just keep on going and focus on the reasons that you do things.

Its been raining all week and am beginning to wonder whetehr summer is going to pass us by with the odd ray of sunshine and before we know it it will be september. Anyway, life is a bit like that sometimes, it can feel that its raining most of the time, with the odd piece of sunshine, and thats how it has felt for me for many years, without going down that road of whining about my life, having very little money to do things over the years with the children has felt like going on holiday  without any money. Of course we have exhausted the long walks, the picnics, the local parks, the free museums, the paddling pools, anything that doesnt really cost much, but at the end of the day it would be lovley to do somethingelse to have a constant flow of choices. And ultimately the children will not remember the money spent on them, but how much time and attention we lavished on them, I know this, I really do, but I want to take them to far away places, let them see the other side of life, but thats how I feel, they are probably perfectly happy. Things will e different now though, Im starting my job today, a seemingly lowly job, but a job,  a chance to provide and feel that I am contributing to the quality of my childrens lives and nothing can beat that, Im pretty sure that Im going to see the sun a lot more.

Katie hopkins is one of those people we all love to hate, she comes out with outragoeus comments about people, she seems to have the thickest skin going and doesnt appear to care who she insults or who insults her. Ive just read an article about her that states that she is arguably the most hated woman in Britain, yet she still doesnt waiver in her views and remains steadfast in her opinions. How and why? If some one said anything horrible to me, I would probably cry, although Im much more resilient these days. In fact Katie hopkins suffers from epilepsy and regards this as a sign of weakness, so never dwells on it and is resolute to her illness, another badge on her resilient jacket. She has to get her dislocated arms put in her sockets on a regular basis, because of her epilepsy. She believes that people should basically get on with it saying 'we all have crap in our lives. get on with it, move on, get your arms put back in.'

Forthright we know, but unfortunatley not everyone is made of the same stuff or have had the same experiences, one horrible thing to soemone, may be a catastrophe to soemone else. She does have a point though, that we all do have some inner strength that we can dip into in times of adversity, sometimes its just making that decision despite how we feel. 

Im starting my job on next week, having not been in paid work for so long, I am very excited.  David Beckham said recently about his son getting  a job in a coffee shop, how they want to instill in their children the work ethic and how its the greatest gift you can give your children. I was really impressed by that and am spured on even more to create  a better life for my kids. I was also impressed by my niece who recently worked all the hours she could to fund herself to travel around Australia, I believe that the more you put into life you more you get out, sometimes you make your own luck.If you want to make something happen, you will find a way, it just requires a bit of resourcefulness and hard work and perhaps yourll find a bit of luck along the way.